Michael Brooks
Being a good Catholic girlfriend involves more than just being a good partner—it's about being a good Catholic. Prayer is essential to a relationship with God, and seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness is the best foundation for becoming a godly woman. Practically, this could look like setting aside time for prayer and turning to God for encouragement, solace, peace, and provision. It's also important to be aware of potential predators in the Church and to pay attention to behaviours beyond labels. In dating, it's important to practice honesty and kindness, and to be confident in pursuing the men you want to date.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Prayer | "Set aside time for that intimate exchange every day." |
| Discernment | "Try to discern a potential boyfriend's personality and virtue as friends first." |
| Selflessness | "Humbly regard others as more important than yourselves." |
| Humility | "Humility goes before honour." |
| Honesty | "Walk away" from a liar. |
| Trustworthiness | "There is no place for secrets in a healthy relationship." |
| Awareness of shortcomings | "We all have flaws and imperfections." |
| Self-care | "Be beautiful inside and out." |
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What You'll Learn
Be aware of predatory behaviour and red flags
Being aware of predatory behaviour and red flags is crucial for your safety and well-being. While it can be challenging to identify a predator in a crowd, knowing someone intimately can reveal warning signs of predatory behaviour. Here are some critical aspects to consider:
Lying and Deception
Lying is a significant red flag. If your partner has a habit of lying or encourages you to lie to others, it indicates a disregard for the truth and a willingness to manipulate. This behaviour can escalate to gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates their victim's perception of reality.
Boundary Violations
Respect for personal boundaries is essential. A predator will repeatedly push your boundaries and ignore your stated limits. They may guilt or manipulate you into doing things you're uncomfortable with, using the guise of a "fair, loving relationship." They may also violate your physical or emotional boundaries, causing distress and a sense of powerlessness.
Control and Isolation
Predators often exhibit a strong need for control. They may try to socially isolate you from friends and family, monitor your activities, and restrict your freedom. This isolation creates a dynamic where the predator becomes your primary source of support, loyalty, and vulnerability, which they can then exploit.
Manipulative Language and Emotional Abuse
Pay attention to how your partner uses language. A predator may insult or mock you and then twist the narrative when challenged, making you feel at fault. They may also focus on their feelings to make you feel guilty or engage in gaslighting, causing self-doubt and confusion.
Targeting Children
If you are a young Catholic woman, be aware that sexual predators often target minors, particularly pre-pubescent children. They build trust and groom their victims, exploiting their innocence. Be cautious of adults who spend excessive time with children and exhibit unusually close friendships or physical play with them.
Remember, your instincts are valuable. If something feels wrong or uncomfortable, trust your gut and seek help. Do not ignore red flags or excuse abusive behaviour, and always prioritise your safety and well-being.
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Prioritise God and build a godly life around Him
To be a good Catholic girlfriend, it is important to prioritise God and build a godly life around Him. This means putting God at the centre of your life and seeking to live according to His will. Here are some ways to do this:
Firstly, recognise that nothing can fulfil you more completely than having a relationship with God. As Micah 6:8 says, "you have been told, oh man, what is good, and what the Lord requires of you: only to do justice, love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God". Therefore, seek to cultivate a close relationship with God, knowing that He loves you and created you for Himself.
Secondly, prayer is essential to your relationship with God. Set aside time for daily prayer, turning to God for encouragement, comfort, peace, and guidance. Through prayer, you enter into a deep dialogue with God, bringing your worries, hopes, and dreams before Him. As Philippians 2:3-5 says, "do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not only for one's own interests, but also for those of others".
Thirdly, be mindful of the dangers of pride, arrogance, and selfishness, which can hinder your relationship with God and others. Strive for selflessness and humility, acknowledging your flaws and imperfections. By doing so, you create space for God's grace to transform your life and make you more like Christ.
Additionally, as you seek to build a godly life, remember that your sanctity is paramount. This includes practising emotional chastity, guarding your heart, and being mindful of your interactions with the opposite sex. While it is important to have friends of the opposite sex, be aware of your emotions and intentions. If you are pursuing a romantic relationship, do so with virtue and discernment, considering the qualities that make a good spouse.
Finally, as you prioritise God, remember that He has a plan for your life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). Trust in His plan and timing, knowing that He will guide you in all areas of your life, including your relationships.
By prioritising God and building your life around Him, you will become a good Catholic girlfriend, honouring God and bringing glory to His name.
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Practise honesty and kindness in relationships
Honesty and kindness are key components of a happy and fulfilling relationship. Being honest with your partner creates a space for something real and authentic, fostering trust and intimacy. However, honesty can be challenging, especially during difficult seasons or when facing complex emotions. It requires vulnerability and the courage to express your true thoughts and feelings.
In a Catholic context, confession is a practice that cultivates honesty. By recognizing and unmasking core lies we tell ourselves, such as "I am unacceptable" or "I am better than others," we can break free from the tug-of-war between shame and pride that often leads to dishonest living. Confession invites us to embrace our vulnerabilities and seek liberation from shame, aligning with Jesus' example of speaking the truth in love.
Practicing honesty in a relationship means being truthful about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It involves sharing your authentic self with your partner, even when it feels uncomfortable or vulnerable. Honesty creates a foundation of trust and intimacy, allowing your relationship to be built on a solid ground of mutual understanding and acceptance.
Kindness is an essential companion to honesty. Being honest with kindness involves considering your motives and responding with compassion. It means creating a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable and sharing your true self without fear of judgment or criticism. Kindness in relationships can manifest through small acts of love, empathy, and understanding, creating a nurturing environment for both individuals to grow and thrive.
Practicing honesty and kindness in a relationship is a continuous journey. It requires self-awareness, empathy, and a commitment to mutual growth. By cultivating these virtues, you create a strong foundation for a loving and fulfilling partnership, rooted in authenticity and mutual respect.
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Be mindful of your own virtues when dating
Being mindful of your virtues when dating is an important aspect of Catholic dating. It is crucial to recognise that your virtues are an integral part of who you are and how you navigate relationships. Here are some ways to be mindful of your virtues when dating:
Firstly, it is important to contemplate and define your virtues. Take time to understand your values, morals, and beliefs. Reflect on what matters to you and what principles guide your life. Identify your strengths and the positive qualities you possess. Recognise that these virtues are an essential part of your identity and will influence your interactions with others.
Secondly, strive to live by your virtues in your daily life, including when you are dating. For instance, if honesty is one of your virtues, practice being honest with your partner and expect the same from them. If compassion is a virtue you hold dear, demonstrate empathy and understanding towards your partner, especially during challenging times. By living your virtues, you attract like-minded individuals who share similar values.
Additionally, be mindful of your shortcomings and work towards self-improvement. No one is perfect, and we all have areas where we can grow. Recognise your flaws and take steps to address them. This might involve seeking guidance from a trusted mentor or spiritual advisor. Remember, as a Catholic, the pursuit of holiness involves acknowledging and overcoming your weaknesses.
Furthermore, when dating, be cautious of those who claim to share your virtues but do not demonstrate them in their actions. Unfortunately, there are individuals who may try to deceive or manipulate others by falsely presenting themselves as virtuous. Pay attention to actions rather than mere words. If someone consistently exhibits behaviour that contradicts their professed virtues, it may be a warning sign.
Lastly, remember that your virtues should not be compromised for the sake of a relationship. Stay true to your values and beliefs, even when faced with challenges or differences of opinion. A virtuous life, as guided by your Catholic faith, should be a non-negotiable aspect of your identity. By upholding your virtues, you attract partners who respect and admire your strength of character.
In conclusion, being mindful of your virtues when dating involves introspection, authenticity, and a commitment to living by your values. By recognising and embodying your virtues, you will attract individuals who align with your values and beliefs, fostering more meaningful and compatible relationships.
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Be aware of the dangers of normalised abuse
Being aware of the dangers of normalised abuse is crucial for anyone, including those in Catholic relationships. While it may be uncomfortable to acknowledge, abuse within Catholic marriages and relationships is a reality that needs to be addressed. The Catholic Church's teachings on forgiveness and the permanence of marriage can unfortunately be misused to encourage individuals to remain in abusive situations. Scripture verses, such as "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you" (Luke 6:27) and "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18), have been interpreted by some to justify staying in abusive marriages. The Bible also says, "If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also" (Luke 6:28), which, taken out of context, could be manipulated to normalise abuse.
Additionally, the examples of saints like Saint Monica and Saint Rita, who are revered for their perseverance in abusive marriages, can inadvertently send the message that enduring abuse is virtuous or expected. This is further compounded by the Catholic Church's historical response to sexual abuse scandals involving clergy members. The abuse of power by priests, nuns, and other religious figures has been widely reported and acknowledged by the Church, with apologies offered by Popes John Paul II, Benedict XVI, and Francis. However, there has also been criticism of the Church's initial inaction, attempts to cover up allegations, and failure to cooperate fully with judicial proceedings.
The normalisation of abuse can also occur in more subtle ways within Catholic communities and popular culture. For example, the "thrill of the chase" and aggressive pursuit of romantic interests are often glorified in media and social interactions, creating an environment that can blur the lines of consent and respect. Young Catholic women, in particular, may be vulnerable to predatory individuals who exploit their trust and faith for malicious purposes. It is crucial to recognise these dangers and not remain silent or complicit in the face of abuse.
To summarise, being a good Catholic girlfriend involves being vigilant against normalised abuse. This includes understanding how scripture and religious teachings can be misused to justify abuse, recognising the dangers of predatory individuals within Catholic communities, and advocating for oneself and others in situations where abuse is present. Seeking help from trusted individuals or authorities and prioritising one's safety and well-being are essential.
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Frequently asked questions
Being a good Catholic girlfriend involves putting God first and seeking to align your life with His plans. This includes being selfless and aware of your shortcomings, and striving to become the best version of yourself, both inside and out. Prayer is an essential part of this journey, as it brings you into a closer relationship with God and provides the foundation for any other relationship you may have.
It is important to discern a potential boyfriend's personality and virtue. Look beyond the surface and be cautious of those who claim to be Catholic but do not bear good fruit. Beware of lies and manipulation, and always prioritise your safety and sanctity. Seek out men who embody virtues such as honesty, kindness, and confidence.
Meeting potential Catholic boyfriends can be done through various avenues, including Catholic volunteering events, in-person interactions, or even online dating sites. When meeting someone, focus on building a genuine connection and practicing honest communication. Remember, it is better to be confident and direct than to rely solely on hints.
