Grace Thompson
Telling Catholic parents that you are gay can be a challenging conversation, as the Catholic Church has historically held negative views on homosexuality, considering homosexual acts as intrinsically immoral and contrary to natural law. However, in recent times, there has been a shift towards acceptance and inclusion within the Church, with organizations like DignityUSA advocating for respect and justice for LGBTQ+ individuals within the Catholic community. While the Church's official stance remains complex, with celibacy and chastity often emphasized as important for gay Catholics, many Catholic parents are learning to navigate this topic with love and support for their children.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Catholic parents' response | Shock, confusion, anger, denial, love, support |
| Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality | Homosexual acts are "intrinsically immoral and contrary to natural law" but homosexual orientation is not considered sinful |
| Catholic Church's stance on homosexual members | Homosexual members who are celibate are welcomed but increasingly the Church is becoming more intolerant |
| Catholic parents' actions | Maintain a loving relationship with their children, assure them that they are loved and will always be cherished members of the family |
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What You'll Learn
Understand the Church's teachings on same-sex attraction
The Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality is complex and often contentious, with various conflicting views between the Church and some in the LGBTQ community. According to Catholic doctrine, same-sex attraction is not considered inherently sinful. The Church teaches that sexual orientation is not a choice, and that individuals with same-sex attraction should be "accepted and treated with respect, compassion, and sensitivity." However, the Church considers acting upon these attractions by engaging in sexual activity to be a grave sin against chastity.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that homosexual acts are "acts of grave depravity" and are "intrinsically disordered," contrary to natural law, and do not proceed from "genuine affective and sexual complementarity." It calls homosexual persons to chastity and self-mastery, encouraging them to seek Christian perfection and resist temptation.
Some Catholic organizations and institutions that uphold Church teachings on sexual activities have campaigned against LGBTQ rights, advocating for chastity and celibacy among LGBT Catholics. However, Pope Francis has taken a notably different approach, becoming the first pope to support civil union status for same-sex couples and publicly denouncing sodomy laws.
While the Church does not officially support conversion therapy, some individuals and organizations within the Church may still hold more conservative views and interpretations of Church teachings. It is important to approach this topic with sensitivity, kindness, and compassion, recognizing the individual's faith and courage in discussing their feelings.
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Communicate love and acceptance
Communicating love and acceptance is paramount when a child comes out to their Catholic parents. While the Catholic Church has been known to have a negative attitude towards homosexuality, it is important to remember that gay and lesbian Catholics are always welcome in the Catholic faith community.
As a parent, you may experience a range of emotions, such as shock or confusion, but it is crucial to assure your child that you love them and that they will always be cherished as a beloved member of your family. Let them know that you admire their honesty and courage in confiding in you. It is also important to respect their privacy and allow them to choose how and when they want to share their sexual orientation with others.
You can express your support for their journey of self-discovery and affirm that you will walk alongside them. While you may not agree with all their choices, emphasize that your connection and love for them remain unwavering. Share with them the aspects of their personality that you admire, such as their sense of humour, skills, or kind soul, as suggested by a parent in a similar situation.
Additionally, welcome your child's partner into your home and family gatherings. Show them the same love and respect you would want for your child if they were in a heterosexual relationship. By doing so, you demonstrate your commitment to creating an inclusive and loving environment for your child and their chosen family.
Remember, every person is more than their sexuality. Avoid defining your child solely by their sexual orientation and continue to celebrate all the unique aspects that make them who they are.
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Avoid discrimination and respect their identity
The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that those who experience same-sex attraction "must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity". It states that "every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided". The Church affirms the dignity and value of every human being, regardless of sexual orientation.
The Church's teachings on this issue have developed over time, influenced by papal interventions and theologians, including the early Church Fathers. In recent years, senior clergy and popes have called for the Church to increase its support for LGBTQ+ individuals. Globally, the Catholic Church is politically active on LGBTQ+ rights issues, and its relationship with the LGBTQ+ community has been strained during critical moments, such as the height of the HIV/AIDS pandemic.
While the Church has not officially approved of same-sex relationships, it does not consider the "inclination" sinful and has not approved of reparative therapy. It teaches that gay people "should have an active role in the Christian community" and that all Christians should confront their fears about homosexuality and curb any humour and discrimination that offends homosexual persons.
Some Catholic parents have shared their experiences of having LGBTQ+ children, emphasising the importance of assuring their children that they are loved and valued, despite their inability to support a romantic or sexual same-sex relationship. They have also shared the challenges of navigating their children's coming out, including their children's varying levels of comfort in disclosing their sexual orientation.
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Encourage spiritual growth and Christian virtues
Telling Catholic parents that you are gay can be a difficult conversation, and it is important to remember that everyone's experience will be different. While there are many right things to say, there are also wrong things to say. If you are a Catholic parent being told this, it is important to remember that your child is more than their sexuality. Your child should feel loved and accepted, and it is important to cherish them as a member of your family.
If you are a Catholic youth coming out to your parents, you may want to encourage them to grow in their spiritual life and Christian virtues. Here are some ways to do that:
- Grow in love for each other and the world: God calls on us to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, but also to love the world. This means showing compassion to those outside the church and sharing the "good news" of Jesus Christ.
- Grow in wisdom, depth, stability, and maturity: This can be achieved through the Word of God, which is learned, believed, applied, and obeyed. Meditating on God's Word will provide direction, wisdom, and stability.
- Grow in brotherly kindness: This means being generous in giving and helping, and being slow to judge other Christians.
- Grow in self-control: This is about cultivating intimacy in your relationship with God through daily habits of prayer and devotion.
- Grow in knowledge: Join Bible study groups to increase your knowledge of God's Word.
- Grow in worship: Worship expresses and refreshes your love for Christ, which is the source of love for others and the world.
These virtues can help Catholic parents grow in their spiritual life and Christian values, which may help them better understand their child's experience.
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Seek support from pastoral ministers
Pastoral care for LGBTQ+ Catholics is the ministry and outreach provided by the Catholic Church to LGBTQ+ Catholics. There are official organizations, such as Courage International, as well as standalone events, scholarly studies, comments, and teachings from the highest levels of the Catholic Church, and individual parish outreach.
The Catholic Church has provided guidelines for pastoral ministers to care for LGBTQ+ Catholics. In 1993, Bishop Thomas V. Daily issued a pastoral letter stating:
> It is evident that the pastoral care of our homosexual brothers and sisters is increasingly becoming a matter of urgency in our society. The homosexual person, striving to live a chaste life, is no different than any other human person and is to be afforded the same respect, Christian love and dignity.
In 1997, the U.S. bishops published a letter titled "Always Our Children", a pastoral message to parents of gay and bisexual children with guidelines for pastoral ministers. It told parents not to break off contact with a gay or bisexual son or daughter but to look for appropriate counseling for the child. The bishops wrote:
> We stretch out our hands to our homosexual brothers and sisters. Though at times you may feel discouraged, hurt or angry, do not walk away from your families, from the Christian community, from all of those who love you. In you God’s love is revealed. You are always our children.
The Conference wrote to American Catholics that gay men and women "should have an active role in the Christian community." The bishops added that "the Christian community should provide [LGBT people] a special degree of pastoral understanding and care." The US bishops called on "all Christians and citizens of good will" in 1991 "to confront their own fears about homosexuality and to curb the humor and discrimination that offend homosexual persons." They understood that having a homosexual orientation brings with it enough anxiety, pain, and issues related to self-acceptance without society bringing additional prejudicial treatment.
In 1976, Bishop Walter Sullivan established the first diocesan pastoral outreach program for LGBTQ+ Catholics in the US, the Sexual Minorities Commission. In the same year, Bishop Francis Mugavero called for the church to provide greater "pastoral understanding and care" for LGBTQ+ people. The National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries (later the Catholic Association for Lesbian and Gay Ministry) was established in 1995 and, as of 2012, had more than 200 caregivers in 25 states and an office in Berkeley, California.
The Catholic Church has provided the following recommendations for pastoral ministers:
- Welcome LGBTQ+ persons into the faith community, and seek out those on the margins.
- Avoid stereotyping and condemning. Strive first to listen.
- Do not presume that all LGBTQ+ persons are sexually active.
- Learn more about homosexuality and church teaching so your preaching, teaching, and counseling will be informed and effective.
- Avoid unjust discrimination. LGBTQ+ persons 'must be accepted with respect, compassion and sensitivity.'
- Denounce unjustly discriminatory and violent behaviors against LGBTQ+ persons and to seek to correct misinformation that can lead to these behaviors.
- Provide pastoral support and counseling services to LGBTQ+ persons and their families.
- It is not sufficient to only welcome LGBTQ+ persons into the faith community—pastoral ministers should also strive to include them in the community and encourage their full and active participation.
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Frequently asked questions
Telling your parents about your sexuality can be difficult, and it is normal to feel nervous about doing so. It may be helpful to first remind yourself that you are not alone, and that there are many other people in similar situations. You could also consider reaching out to a support organisation, such as Fortunate Families, which is a national organisation of Catholic parents with LGBTQ+ children.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, as each set of parents will react differently. Some parents may be surprised, some may have suspected, some may feel anger, and some may even be in denial. However, it is important to remember that regardless of their initial reaction, your parents' love for you should remain.
The Catholic Church has been known to take a negative stance on homosexuality. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, a text containing the dogmas and teachings of the Church, names "homosexual acts" as "intrinsically immoral and contrary to the natural law", and "homosexual tendencies" as "objectively disordered". However, it is important to note that the Church also teaches that those with "homosexual tendencies" must be "accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity", and that "every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided".
Firstly, it is important for parents to listen to their children and respect their feelings. While you may not agree with their choices, the value of connection and love is paramount. It is also important to remember that your child is more than their sexuality, and that their identity is not defined by their sexual orientation. You can also encourage your child to participate in the spiritual and sacramental life of the Catholic faith community, as gay Catholics who are living a chaste life are considered to be in good standing with the Church.
