Rachel Evans
Infidelity is a common problem that can have a devastating effect on a marriage. Adultery, defined as a carnal connection between a married person and someone other than their spouse, is considered a sin in Catholicism. While it can be tempting to seek comfort outside of the marriage, it is essential to prioritise your spouse and address any underlying issues. For Catholics, confession and seeking guidance from a priest or counsellor can be a crucial step towards healing. Studies show that many marriages can not only survive but also thrive after infidelity, but it requires honest dialogue, forgiveness, and a commitment to rebuilding trust.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Infidelity is common | 20-25% of marriages are affected by infidelity |
| Marital dissatisfaction | A spouse who is unhappy in a marriage and has low self-esteem and/or a tendency to be easily angered is at a higher risk of having an affair |
| Emotional affairs | Emotional affairs are still affairs, even if they don't turn physical |
| Therapy | Couples therapy is required to effectively deal with infidelity |
| Forgiveness | Forgiveness is a gift to oneself; it takes the grace of God to forgive |
| Dialogue | Open communication is essential, even if it leads to arguments |
| Children | The impact of infidelity on children is disastrous, and they perceive disharmony between their parents |
| Annulment | Adultery is not grounds for a Catholic annulment, which nullifies a marriage |
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What You'll Learn
Seeking therapy and support
- Confide in your spouse or a counsellor: It is important to have open and honest communication with your spouse about your feelings, needs, and struggles. If you are unable to confide in your spouse, consider speaking with a counsellor or therapist who can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to process your emotions. Remember, your friends should not replace your spouse in your life, and confiding in someone of the opposite sex can lead to emotional affairs.
- Recognise and work through your feelings: All feelings that arise after infidelity, such as anger, hatred, revenge, or guilt, are normal and valid. It is important to recognise and acknowledge these emotions without acting on any impulses that may cause further harm to the relationship. Take time to process and work through these feelings, either individually or with the support of a therapist.
- Consider the underlying causes: Infidelity is often a symptom of deeper issues in the marriage. It is important to understand the underlying causes and variables that contributed to the affair. This may include marital dissatisfaction, unhappiness, low self-esteem, or a tendency towards anger and despair. Addressing these underlying issues is crucial for preventing future infidelity.
- Engage in cognitive therapy: Cognitive therapy strategies can help both partners evaluate and resolve irrational and undesirable emotional roadblocks that may hinder their recovery. This type of therapy can provide tools to challenge negative thought patterns and improve conflict management skills, leading to a stronger and more resilient marriage.
- Seek specialised support: Organisations such as Retrouvaille offer peer support specifically for couples dealing with infidelity. These organisations provide adjunct services to complement the work done in marital counselling. Additionally, your church or religious community may have resources or support groups that can provide guidance and encouragement.
- Prioritise your marriage: Infidelity does not have to be the end of a marriage. Many marriages can solidify and grow after infidelity with hard work and commitment. Prioritise your marriage by investing time, effort, and love into rebuilding trust and strengthening your connection. Focus on choosing your spouse and your marriage every day, even in the midst of pain and struggle.
Remember, overcoming infidelity is a process that requires dedication and professional support. It is not a do-it-yourself project, and it is important to seek the help of competent therapists or counsellors who specialise in marital issues.
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Forgiving and healing
Infidelity in a marriage can be devastating, but it is possible to forgive and heal. Here are some steps to help you through this difficult time:
Recognise and Work Through Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel the pain, anger, and hurt. It is important to validate and process these emotions rather than suppress them. Take time to understand and work through your feelings. This may involve seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor.
Seek Professional and Spiritual Support
Consider reaching out to a Catholic counsellor or your priest for guidance and support. They can provide you with the tools and resources to navigate this challenging situation. Additionally, organisations like Retrouvaille offer peer support as an adjunct to professional counselling.
Prioritise Dialogue and Communication
Open and honest communication with your spouse is crucial. Create a safe space where you can express your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Be sensitive to each other's needs and actively listen to one another. However, if you cannot control your rage or if there is any risk of physical or verbal violence, take a break from the conversation and seek outside help.
Work Towards Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It may take time and grace from God to forgive, but it is possible. Reflect on the Mercy of God, who deeply desires to free you from sin and grant you healing. Pray for your spouse and yourself, asking for strength and guidance.
Rebuild Trust and Intimacy
Rebuilding trust will take time and effort from both partners. It involves being vulnerable, addressing underlying issues, and creating new, positive memories together. It is important to address the factors that led to the infidelity, such as marital dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, or anger issues. Consider couples therapy to help improve conflict management and strengthen your relationship.
Healing from infidelity is a challenging journey that requires commitment from both spouses. It is important to remember that many marriages can solidify and grow after infidelity with the right support and dedication.
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Understanding the nature of adultery
Adultery is a sin that can cause deep hurt in a marriage. It is defined as a carnal connection between a married person and someone they are not married to, or between a married person and the spouse of another. Adultery is not limited to physical affairs, but also includes emotional affairs, where one spouse seeks support, attention, and intimacy outside of the marriage.
Adultery differs from fornication in that it involves at least one married person. It is not necessary for the marriage to have been consummated, only that the marriage exists. Adultery is also differentiated from fornication by the fact that it involves a violation of a marriage pledge. This violation is considered a more heinous sin when committed by a married woman than by a married man, as it interferes with the due process of generation and can result in uncertainty of parentage.
Adultery can have devastating consequences for a marriage, and it is often difficult for the wounded spouse to forgive. It can lead to feelings of anger, hatred, and revenge, which can cloud judgment and impede the healing process. Even after the marriage has improved and the offending spouse has become more open and competent at conflict management, lingering doubts and feelings of guilt may remain.
Recovering from adultery requires real work and is rarely a do-it-yourself project. It often requires the support of a competent therapist to negotiate effectively. However, it is possible for marriages to solidify and grow after infidelity, and research shows that upwards of 20% of couples who currently report high levels of marital happiness have previously weathered infidelity.
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Safeguarding against infidelity
Infidelity is a common problem, affecting between 20% to 25% of all marriages. While it can be devastating, many marriages can grow stronger after infidelity. To safeguard against infidelity, it is important to recognise that it often starts as an emotional affair. Innocent flirting can develop into sharing intimate details about your life and seeking support from someone other than your spouse. This can lead to physical intimacy and the development of stronger feelings. Therefore, it is crucial to set clear boundaries and maintain appropriate relationships with people outside your marriage. Avoid confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your personal problems and seek support from your spouse or a counsellor instead.
Additionally, prioritise your marriage by making time for your spouse, especially when life gets busy or overwhelming. Focus on open communication and ensure that both your needs and your spouse's needs are being met and heard. Be sensitive to their needs and express your own needs clearly. Take the Love Language Quiz to understand how your spouse feels loved and show them love in their preferred way.
Furthermore, recognise that infidelity can be an addiction and a sin. If you or your spouse are struggling with this, seek help from a priest or a counsellor. Confess your sins and work through the addiction with professional support. Remember that God desires to free you from sin and provide healing.
Lastly, be vigilant about safeguarding your marriage from potential risks. Avoid situations that may lead to emotional or physical affairs, and be cautious about developing inappropriate relationships. By following these steps, you can help strengthen your marriage and reduce the risk of infidelity.
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Deciding to separate or divorce
Recognise the complexity of the situation: Infidelity is a violation of the marital covenant and can result in a range of intense emotions, including anger, hurt, and confusion. It is essential to recognise and validate these emotions without acting on them impulsively. Take time to process your feelings and seek support from a trusted counsellor or therapist.
Address the underlying issues: Infidelity often stems from underlying issues within the marriage, such as marital dissatisfaction, unmet needs, or poor conflict resolution skills. Identifying and addressing these issues is crucial for healing and preventing future infidelity. This may involve individual or couples' counselling to improve communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy.
Consider the impact on children: If there are children involved, their well-being should be a primary consideration. While staying together for the sake of the children is not always the best solution, it is important to recognise that divorce can have a significant impact on their lives. Seeking professional support to help children process their emotions and adjust to family changes can be beneficial.
Explore options for reconciliation: Before making a decision about separation or divorce, explore all options for reconciliation. This may include couples' therapy, individual counselling, or support groups specifically designed to help couples heal from infidelity. It is important to be committed to the process and willing to put in the necessary work.
Evaluate the willingness to forgive: Forgiveness is a critical aspect of healing from infidelity. The wounded spouse must be willing to forgive, and the offending spouse must be genuinely remorseful and committed to rebuilding trust. This process takes time and may involve addressing underlying issues such as low self-esteem or anger management.
Assess the presence of repeated infidelity: If infidelity has occurred multiple times, the likelihood of overcoming it as a couple may be diminished. Repeated infidelity indicates a pattern of behaviour that may be difficult to break. In such cases, separation or divorce may be considered as a way to protect oneself from further harm.
While deciding to separate or divorce after infidelity is a deeply personal decision, it is important to approach it with careful consideration and seek appropriate support. The process of healing and rebuilding trust is challenging, but it is possible for couples to emerge from this crisis with a stronger and more fulfilling marriage.
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Frequently asked questions
Adultery or infidelity is defined as a married person having relations with someone other than their spouse. This can be a physical or sexual affair, but also includes emotional affairs where one spouse seeks support, attention, and intimacy from someone outside the marriage.
Adultery is considered a sin in Catholicism, and confession is essential. You should speak to a priest or a Catholic counselor to help you address the underlying issues and heal your marriage.
It can be very difficult to forgive infidelity, and it often requires the support of a competent therapist. It is important to recognize and work through feelings of anger, hurt, and revenge, and to actively work on forgiveness. Both spouses must be committed to keeping the marriage faithful and making it work.
If you are the wounded spouse, it is natural to experience feelings of anger, doubt, and unworthiness. You should validate and work on these emotions, and seek support from a therapist or organizations like Retrouvaille.
Adultery does not typically serve as grounds for a Catholic annulment, which completely nullifies a marriage. Annulments are only granted if the grounds for annulment were present before or during the exchange of vows, not after. However, you can choose to repair your marriage, or in some cases, divorce may be necessary.
