Joshua Bennett
Marriage is complicated, and problems are part of every marriage. When a Catholic marriage is in trouble, it can be difficult to know what to do. Catholics place a high premium on staying together, and the Church is committed to saving marriages if possible. However, there are times when the circumstances are so dire that it is not feasible for the couple to continue their life together. In such cases, the Church may deem the marriage invalid or null and provide support and guidance to the spouses. Seeking help from a counselor or spiritual director/pastor can be beneficial, and the U.S. Catholic Bishops have identified various resources, including skills-building programs, support groups, and professional counseling. While divorce is discouraged, it is recognized that it may be necessary in certain situations, and divorced Catholics seek understanding and acceptance from the Church.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Couples do not realize they don't know how to build a life together | N/A |
| Couples do not recognize their marriage is in trouble until it's unbearable | N/A |
| Couples cannot be in the same room for more than a minute without things turning ugly | N/A |
| Couples are unable to communicate | N/A |
| Couples are unable to control their negative emotions | N/A |
| Couples are unable to overcome angry thoughts | N/A |
| Couples are unable to forgive each other | N/A |
| Couples are unable to conceive | N/A |
| Couples are unable to balance work and family life | N/A |
| Couples are unable to connect | N/A |
| Couples are unable to rediscover the spark in their marriage | N/A |
| Couples are unable to resist the temptation of romance outside of marriage | N/A |
| Couples are unable to agree on whether to seek counseling | N/A |
| Couples are unable to agree on whether to have a divorce | N/A |
| Couples are unable to agree on whether to have children | N/A |
| Couples are unable to agree on how to raise children | N/A |
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What You'll Learn
Seeking marriage counselling
Marriage is a complicated journey, and even the strongest of couples can face difficulties. If you are facing trouble in your Catholic marriage, seeking professional help is a brave and commendable step. Marriage counselling can offer you and your spouse a safe and supportive environment to openly discuss your concerns, hopes, and fears.
When to Seek Marriage Counselling:
It is important to recognise the signs that indicate a need for marriage counselling. If you are experiencing frequent conflicts, communication breakdowns, or emotional distance, it may be time to seek help. Too often, couples do not acknowledge their difficulties until the situation becomes unbearable. However, with proper guidance and hard work, even the most troubled marriages can be transformed into healthy and rewarding unions.
Finding the Right Counsellor:
When seeking marriage counselling, it is crucial to find a counsellor who aligns with your values and beliefs. Catholic couples may prefer to work with a Catholic counsellor or therapist who integrates faith wisdom with research-based methods. These counsellors can provide support and guidance grounded in both clinical expertise and Catholic values.
The Role of the Church:
The Catholic Church is committed to saving marriages and offers a variety of resources to help couples experiencing marital difficulties. Your parish pastor can provide spiritual and emotional support, offer guidance, and help you access additional resources. Some parishes also have pastoral counsellors who are trained mental health professionals, integrating therapy with spirituality.
Online Resources:
Several online platforms, such as CatholicTherapists.com, offer local referrals for state-licensed therapists who adhere to Catholic teachings. Additionally, websites like Denver Catholic Counseling provide Catholic-centric individual and couples therapy, specialising in marriage counselling, premarital counselling, and relationship discernment services.
Taking the First Step:
If you feel that marriage counselling is necessary, communicate this to your spouse. It is important to express the significance of their participation and how it would benefit your relationship. If your spouse is hesitant, consider making an appointment anyway, as a good marriage counsellor can effectively work with both individuals and couples.
Remember, seeking help is a courageous step towards healing and strengthening your marriage. With dedication and hard work, you and your spouse can navigate your challenges and work towards a stronger, more loving, and fulfilling partnership.
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Turning to the Church for support
While the Catholic Church has historically been against divorce, it is now taking steps to better prepare couples before marriage and support those facing marital difficulties. The U.S. Catholic Bishops have identified a range of resources to help couples, including skills-building programs, support groups, and professional counselling.
Parish Support
Many Catholics facing marital issues turn to their parish for assistance. Discussing the situation with a pastor can provide spiritual and emotional support, as they are committed to saving marriages. While pastors may not be trained counsellors, they can offer guidance and help identify any underlying issues, such as addictive behaviours. In some parishes, deacons, lay ministers, and pastoral counselors may also provide support.
Counselling Services
Catholic couples can seek marriage counselling services from state-licensed therapists who are faithful to and supportive of Catholic teachings. These professionals can provide support and communication strategies to help couples manage their negative emotions and improve their relationship.
Church Initiatives
The Church is taking a more proactive approach to strengthening Catholic marriages. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops' (USCCB) National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage has made this a priority. Dioceses are revisiting marriage requirements, extending preparation periods, and examining couples more closely to identify potential issues.
Post-Divorce Support
The Church also recognises the need to support divorced Catholics. Many parishes offer post-divorce workshops, but there is a growing call for more long-term support and a healthier dialogue between divorced and non-divorced Catholics, including clergy.
Spiritual Practices
In addition to seeking professional help, Catholics may find comfort in intensifying their spiritual practices. This can include attending Mass daily, praying the Rosary, reading the Bible, and going to confession frequently. Turning to God and seeking guidance through prayer can help individuals navigate marital challenges and find strength.
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Considering divorce
If you are a Catholic contemplating divorce, it is crucial to recognise that you are not alone in your struggles. Many Catholic couples face difficulties in their marriages, and there are resources and support systems available to help you navigate this challenging time. Seeking guidance from a spiritual director or pastor, as well as a licensed Catholic counsellor, can provide you with the necessary support and help you make informed decisions.
Additionally, it is important to remember that marriage is a two-way street, and both spouses play a role in its success or failure. Open and honest communication with your spouse is vital, even if it is challenging. Consider inviting your spouse to join you in counselling sessions, as this can provide a safe and mediated space to address your concerns and work towards mutual understanding and healing.
Before making any hasty decisions, it is worth exploring the various resources available to help couples experiencing marital difficulties. The U.S. Catholic Bishops have identified several options, including skills-building programs, support groups, and professional counselling services. These resources can provide you with valuable tools to enhance your communication, identify addictive behaviours, and strengthen your marriage.
Remember, even marriages that have faced significant challenges can be healed and transformed into healthy and rewarding relationships with proper guidance and hard work. However, it is also important to recognise that there may be situations where continuing the marriage may not be feasible due to dire circumstances. In such cases, the Church provides avenues for annulment or decree of nullity, recognising that some marriages may be deemed invalid from the start.
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Dealing with infidelity
Infidelity is a common problem, affecting between 20% to 25% of marriages. It can have a devastating effect on a Catholic marriage, and it takes a lot of work to recover from it.
If your marriage has been affected by infidelity, it is important to seek help as soon as possible. A good first step is to talk to your pastor, who can offer spiritual and emotional support and guide you towards other resources. Although most pastors are not trained counsellors, they are experienced in dealing with marital issues and can offer valuable support and guidance.
Marriage counselling is often necessary to overcome infidelity. A competent therapist can help the couple to take control of their negative emotions and overcome the angry thoughts that may arise. It is important for the offending spouse to become more open and competent at conflict management and vulnerability. Additionally, cognitive therapy strategies may be beneficial in helping the couple to evaluate and resolve irrational emotional roadblocks to full recovery. Organisations such as Retrouvaille can offer peer support as an adjunct to professional counselling.
It is important to remember that recovery from infidelity is never a do-it-yourself project. It requires competent, multi-stage, multi-modal treatment by a marriage-friendly therapist. The couple must be committed to trying in good faith to save the marriage.
In some cases, infidelity may lead to separation or divorce. While Catholicism strongly discourages divorce, it is important to prioritise your safety and well-being. If you are considering divorce, it is recommended to seek the counsel of a wise spiritual director or pastor, as well as a competent therapist.
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Managing negative emotions
Negative emotions can be difficult to manage, especially when they are directed at a spouse. When a Catholic marriage is in trouble, it is important to remember that the Sacrament of Marriage is meant to help couples become their best selves and help each other get to Heaven. If negative emotions are left unchecked, they can lead to anger and resentment, which can damage the marriage even further.
- Seek professional help: Marriage counseling or therapy can provide support and strategies to enhance communication and manage negative emotions. Catholic organizations such as CatholicTherapists.com offer referrals to state-licensed therapists who adhere to Catholic teachings.
- Turn to the Church: The Church is committed to saving marriages and offers spiritual resources and guidance through pastors and counselors. Pastors can provide emotional and spiritual support, and some parishes have pastoral counselors who are trained mental health professionals integrating therapy and spirituality.
- Pray and strengthen your faith: Intensifying your spiritual life can provide comfort and strength during difficult times. Attending Mass daily, praying the Rosary, reading the Bible, and going to confession can help manage negative emotions and bring peace.
- Talk about your problems: It is important to discuss marriage problems openly and honestly with your spouse and seek guidance through prayer. Bringing your problems to light can help address them and prevent them from escalating.
- Recognize the challenges: Accept that marriage has its challenges and that negative emotions are a normal part of married life. Recognizing these emotions and their triggers can help you manage and overcome them more effectively.
- Forgive and have patience: Forgiveness is crucial in a Catholic marriage. Understanding that your spouse may be struggling with their own negative emotions can help foster patience and empathy, allowing for a more positive dynamic.
It is important to remember that with proper guidance and hard work, even deeply troubled marriages can become healthy and rewarding. Seeking help and support is a crucial step in managing negative emotions and working towards healing and reconciliation.
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Frequently asked questions
The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, you should seek help from a wise spiritual director/pastor and a Catholic counselor. You can also seek guidance from your parish, and there are also organizations like The Alexander House that use Catholic principles to help couples repair troubled marriages.
You should never attempt to evaluate the viability of your marriage alone. Talk about your marriage problems and bring them to prayer in front of Jesus Christ. You should also intensify your spiritual life by going to Mass every day, praying the Rosary every day, and reading the Bible at least five minutes a day.
Make the appointment anyway. A good marriage counselor knows how to do “one-person marriage counseling,” and your spouse may join you later to make sure the counselor is getting both sides of the story.
