Joshua Bennett
Father Mike explains that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is about letting go of the debt that someone owes you, while reconciliation is about letting them back into your life. This distinction is important for Catholics who are struggling to forgive someone who has wronged them. While forgiveness is a choice that can bring inner peace, it doesn't mean that the pain or betrayal will disappear. It also doesn't mean that reconciliation is necessary or that trust needs to be restored. Catholics are called to forgive others, but this doesn't mean they have to put themselves in harm's way or ignore the reality of what happened. Instead, forgiveness is about imitating Christ's sacrifice and infinite mercy, even if the offender doesn't repent.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Forgiveness and reconciliation | Forgiveness is letting go of the "debt" someone owes you, while reconciliation is letting them back into your life. |
| Forgiving without reconciliation | You can forgive someone without reconciling with them. |
| Forgiving from a distance | You can forgive someone without changing the conditions of your relationship with them. |
| Forgiving as a choice | Forgiveness is not just an emotion, it is a choice. |
| Forgiving as a process | Forgiveness may be a multi-step process, requiring repeated attempts to forgive. |
| Forgiving without forgetting | You can forgive without forgetting the harm done to you. |
| Forgiving without trust | You can forgive someone without completely trusting them. |
| Forgiving as a commandment | Jesus calls us to "love [our] enemies and pray for those who persecute [us], so that [we] may be sons of [our] Father who is in heaven." |
| Forgiving without condoning | You can forgive someone without condoning their actions or excusing their behaviour. |
| Forgiving with boundaries | You can forgive someone while maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting yourself. |
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What You'll Learn
Forgiving without reconciliation
Forgiveness is an integral part of the Christian life, but it is not the same as reconciliation. As Father Mike says, forgiveness is about letting go of the "debt" someone owes you, while reconciliation is about letting them back into your life.
Forgiveness is a choice, and it can be a challenging process. It does not require anything from the person being forgiven, and it can be done from a distance without any change in your relationship with them. It is about releasing an offender from condemnation in your heart and does not mean you have to trust them or resume a relationship with them.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the restoration of a relationship, which includes rebuilding trust. It is a two-way street that requires repentance from the offender and a willingness to change. It can be a lengthy process, especially when deep trust has been broken.
Jesus taught us to forgive those who sin against us, even if the offences are egregious. However, forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation, and they should be treated as separate concepts.
When forgiving without reconciliation, it is important to remember that it is a choice you are making for yourself, and it does not require any action or knowledge on the part of the offender. It is about letting go of negative emotions and finding peace, as Father Richard Rohr describes:
> "Even forgiveness does not mean it goes away. It means we forgive it for being there, nothing more. Even our demons do not go away. As Robert Bly wisely said: 'You don't get rid of demons, you just educate them.'"
Forgiveness can be a multi-step process, as explained by Father Hart:
> "You have to forgive, and then you have to come back and you have to forgive again and you have to maybe forgive again a third time and you continue to do it until it becomes a decision or a choice that just has become second nature."
In conclusion, forgiving without reconciliation is about letting go of condemnation and choosing peace, even if you cannot bring yourself to resume a relationship with the person who wronged you. It is a choice that frees you from the bondage of bitterness and resentment, allowing you to move forward without requiring the other person's involvement or a restoration of trust.
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Forgiving from afar
Forgiveness is a central tenet of Christianity, and the Catholic Church teaches that it is a duty for all followers. However, this does not mean that reconciliation is mandatory, as Father Mike notes:
> "There’s a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is letting go of the “debt” they owe you. Reconciliation is letting them back in."
Forgiveness is a process, and sometimes it can be a long and challenging one. It is important to remember that you can forgive someone without reconciling with them, and this can be done from a distance, or "from afar".
Understanding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not just an emotion, but a choice. It is not always logical, and it can be a breakdown of logic, as Father Richard Rohr explains:
> "Even forgiveness does not mean it goes away. It means we forgive it for being there, nothing more. Even our demons do not go away. You don't get rid of demons, you just educate them."
Forgiveness is about acknowledging the wrongs done to you and choosing to let go of the debt the offender owes you. It is about releasing yourself from the burden of resentment and anger. This can be a multi-step process, as Father Hart explains:
> "You have to forgive, and then you have to come back and you have to forgive again and you have to maybe forgive again a third time and you continue to do it until it becomes a decision or a choice that just has become second nature."
When it comes to forgiving someone from a distance, or "from afar", it is important to understand that you can forgive without reconciling. This means that you can let go of the debt they owe you and wish them peace, without necessarily having to welcome them back into your life.
In some cases, it may be unhealthy or dangerous to reconcile with the person who has wronged you. In such situations, forgiving from afar can be a way to protect yourself while still extending forgiveness. This can be especially relevant in cases of abuse or when the offender has not shown genuine remorse or repentance for their actions.
Steps to Forgiving from Afar
- Understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation: Recognize that forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and anger, while reconciliation involves letting the person back into your life.
- Process your emotions: Forgiveness is a choice, but it is also emotional. Allow yourself to feel and process the emotions associated with the wrongdoing. This may include grief, anger, sadness, or fear.
- Extend forgiveness: Make a conscious decision to forgive the person for their actions. You can do this through prayer or by writing a letter to the person (which you don't have to send).
- Set boundaries: Decide what kind of relationship, if any, you want to have with the person going forward. Remember that you can set healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
- Practice forgiveness: Forgiveness is often a process, and you may need to forgive the person repeatedly. Be patient with yourself and recognize that it's okay to not feel forgiving all the time.
- Seek support: Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the hurt is deep. Consider seeking support from a trusted friend, a therapist, or a spiritual advisor.
Remember, as Father Wood says, "It's learning to live in peace with it."
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Forgiving yourself
In his podcast, Father Mike Schmitz acknowledges the difficulty Catholics face in forgiving themselves, despite their belief in the forgiveness of their sins through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Father Mike highlights that even though God has forgiven them, many people struggle to forgive themselves for their past faults and failings. This struggle is often due to the shame of others knowing their sins and the real consequences of those sins, including wounded relationships and self-inflicted harm.
To forgive oneself, Father Mike suggests recognising the cost of forgiveness to God and understanding the Second Great Commandment, "You shall love your neighbour as yourself." He explains that loving oneself is a prerequisite to loving others, and yet many people struggle with self-love and self-care.
Father Mike encourages those seeking forgiveness to place their brokenness under the lordship of Jesus, surrendering their wounds and situations beyond their control to Christ's dominion. By doing so, they can find healing and move towards forgiving themselves, embracing God's mercy and desire for a personal encounter.
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Understanding forgiveness through the crucifix
Forgiveness is a central tenet of Christianity, and the crucifix is a powerful symbol of this concept. Through the crucifix, we are reminded of God's infinite mercy and forgiveness towards us, as Father Hart explains:
> "You see there God's infinite mercy and forgiveness toward you, for the sins that you've committed. Even if you were the only person in the history of the world who would have sinned, God would still be forgiving you through Jesus."
The crucifix symbolises the ultimate sacrifice of Christ, who willingly embraced suffering and death for the sake of humanity's salvation. This sacrifice is what makes forgiveness possible, as Father Hart states:
> "Every time we forgive, we are, in a certain sense, calling to mind again the sacrifice of Christ on the cross and trying to strive to imitate that model. So I don't think forgiveness is something we can fully accomplish without God's help. It’s something that needs grace."
Forgiveness, therefore, is not just an emotion but a choice. It is a process that may require multiple steps, as Father Hart points out:
> "Forgiveness is a process, sometimes it's a multi-step process. You have to forgive, and then you have to come back and you have to forgive again and you have to maybe forgive again a third time and you continue to do it until it becomes a decision or a choice that just has become second nature."
This process of forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring the wrongs committed against us. As Father Wood explains, true forgiveness involves facing the reality of what happened:
> "Everything about Jesus I love because he’s so totally honest, he doesn't play games or pretend. He's very honest about the reality of life. And that's the way I think we have to be with forgiveness. It doesn't happen by ignoring things or pretending it didn't happen. Neither does it happen by getting revenge or bitterness. It's learning to live in peace with it."
Furthermore, it is important to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. As Father Mike notes, forgiveness is about letting go of the "debt" owed to us, while reconciliation involves letting someone back into our lives. We are called to forgive, but reconciliation may not always be possible or advisable, depending on the circumstances.
In conclusion, the crucifix serves as a powerful reminder of God's infinite mercy and the sacrifice of Christ, which makes forgiveness possible. Forgiveness is a choice that may require a multi-step process, and it does not mean forgetting or ignoring the wrongs committed. Instead, true forgiveness involves facing reality and choosing to extend mercy, even as God has shown us mercy through Christ.
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Distinguishing between forgiving and forgetting
Forgiveness is a central tenet of Christianity, and the Catholic Church specifically teaches that forgiveness is a "high point of Christian prayer". However, forgiving someone does not mean forgetting what they have done.
Father Mike explains that there is a clear distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is about letting go of the "debt" that someone owes you, while reconciliation is about letting them back into your life. You can forgive without reconciling with them, and you can reconcile without forgetting what they did.
Forgiveness is a choice, and it can be a challenging and sometimes lengthy process. It involves letting go of anger and negative feelings towards the person who has wronged you. It is about making peace with what has happened and not seeking revenge. However, it does not mean that you have to trust the person again or that you have to continue to put yourself in a position where they can harm you.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, is about restoring a relationship and rebuilding trust. It requires effort from both parties and may not always be possible or advisable, especially if the other person is not truly repentant or if the relationship is unhealthy or dangerous.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are important aspects of the Christian faith, and Jesus himself forgave those who crucified him, asking God to "forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). However, this does not mean that Jesus forgot their actions or that he condoned them. Instead, he recognised the importance of forgiveness and prayed for their souls.
In conclusion, while forgiving and forgetting may sometimes go hand in hand, they are distinct concepts. Forgiving is about letting go of resentment and making peace with the past, while forgetting is about erasing the memory of a wrongdoing. As Christians, we are called to forgive as God forgives us, but we are not expected to forget or put ourselves in harmful situations.
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Frequently asked questions
Father Andrew Hart suggests looking at the crucifix to understand forgiveness. It is a choice, and Jesus himself forgave those who crucified him, praying, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."
In the Bible, Jesus tells Peter to forgive "not seven times but 77 times." He also says, "My heavenly Father will do to you unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart."
No, forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Father Mike says that forgiveness is letting go of the "debt" someone owes you, while reconciliation is letting them back into your life.
Loving your enemies does not mean you have to like them or spend time with them. You can forgive from afar and maintain a polite but distant relationship.
Place your shame under the lordship of Jesus. Understand that God forgives you because Jesus Christ willingly embraced his suffering and death for your sake.
