Grace Thompson
There are many different opinions on how long a Catholic engagement should be. Traditionally, Catholic engagements are expected to last a full year, and most priests will ask that couples do not live together during this period. Some sources recommend engagements of 18 months or more, while others suggest that six months to a year is a good length of time. The Vatican has released recommendations for a year-long marriage catechumenate to prepare Catholic couples for matrimony. Ultimately, the length of an engagement depends on the couple's individual circumstances and preferences.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Minimum courtship before marriage | 6 months |
| Recommended courtship before marriage | 18 months to 2 years |
| Average engagement length | 14.5 months |
| Minimum marriage preparation | 6 months |
| Recommended marriage preparation | 12 months |
| Ideal engagement length | Less than 2 years |
| Living situation during engagement | Living apart |
| Rite of passage | Extended beyond the wedding ceremony |
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What You'll Learn
Catholic engagements are traditionally a year long
For Catholic couples, the engagement period is a rite of passage that extends far beyond the wedding ceremony itself. Traditionally, Catholic engagements are expected to last a full year. While there are few restrictions on when a wedding can take place, it is usually avoided during Lent, the 40 days before Easter.
During the engagement, the couple may be guided by their priest through several preparatory steps. One of the first steps is to decide on the church where the wedding will take place. Traditionally, Catholic couples marry in the bride's home church, though this is not a rule. The priest at the chosen church can advise on its availability. The couple may also need to receive the sacrament of Confirmation, depending on their religious backgrounds.
The engagement period is also an opportunity for personal growth and the development of virtues such as chastity, even for practising Catholics. Deanna Johnston, the director of family life for the Diocese of Tyler, is in favour of longer marriage preparation. She emphasises that it should not be a mere checklist of tasks, but a "marriage catechumenate" to achieve a good marriage. The Vatican has also recommended a year-long "marriage catechumenate" to prepare Catholic couples for matrimony. Pope Francis has called adequate marriage preparation a matter of justice, as it precedes a lifelong commitment.
While some dioceses in the United States require just six months of preparation before marriage, others recommend a longer courtship. In "Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A Guide for Catholics", the author recommends at least 18 months of courtship before marriage for devout daily practitioners, and two years or more for others. A longer courtship can help to build a strong foundation for the marriage, and reduce the risk of a bad marriage or divorce.
Ultimately, the length of an engagement may depend on the couple's individual circumstances and preferences. Some may prefer a shorter engagement to keep the stress levels low, while others may opt for a longer one to have their dream wedding.
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Couples may choose a shorter engagement to avoid overthinking the wedding
While some Catholic couples opt for a longer engagement, there are many benefits to a shorter engagement period. The average engagement length is fourteen and a half months, but many Catholic couples choose to have shorter engagements of around six to nine months.
A shorter engagement can help couples avoid overthinking the wedding and stressing about minor details. With less time to plan, couples are often forced to focus on the important aspects of the wedding, such as the ceremony and celebrating with loved ones, rather than getting caught up in minutiae like decor and colour schemes. A shorter engagement can also help couples avoid the emotional lack of chastity that can come with a long engagement. During a lengthy engagement, it is easy to get caught up in discussions about the future and start making plans as if you are already married. A shorter engagement helps you keep a clear head and maintain your independence until the wedding day.
Additionally, a shorter engagement can be less stressful overall. While some people enjoy the excitement of planning a wedding, for others, it can be overwhelming and lead to unnecessary pressure and anxiety. A shorter engagement means less time spent worrying about the wedding and more time focusing on your relationship and the commitment you are making to each other. It can also help you avoid the danger of falling into sin, both physically and mentally, by reducing the amount of time you are in a state of limbo between being engaged and actually getting married.
Finally, a shorter engagement can lead to a simpler wedding. With less time to plan, couples often opt for a more straightforward ceremony and reception, which can be a beautiful way to prioritise your values and focus on what is truly important to you. Ultimately, the length of an engagement is a personal decision, and each couple should choose what works best for them. However, for many Catholic couples, a shorter engagement can be a positive choice that helps them stay focused on their relationship and their commitment to each other.
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A long engagement can be torture due to chastity
While there is no definitive answer to how long a Catholic engagement should be, some sources suggest that six months is a good length of time to be engaged before getting married. Others recommend a longer engagement of up to two years, especially for those who are devout daily practitioners. The average engagement length is fourteen and a half months.
A long engagement can be torture due to the expectation of chastity during this period. This can be difficult for engaged couples, as they are expected to refrain from physical intimacy until after they are married. This can cause frustration and tension, especially if the engagement is prolonged. Living apart during a long engagement can be challenging, and it may be harder to maintain emotional chastity as it is natural to discuss future plans and dreams together. A shorter engagement can help to keep a clear head and maintain a sense of independence before reuniting in a new home after the wedding.
In Catholic tradition, engagement is also a time for further discernment and growth in virtues such as chastity. It is an opportunity to build a strong foundation for married life together, and to focus on achieving a good marriage rather than a perfect wedding. A shorter engagement can help to keep the focus on these priorities, and may lead to a simpler wedding that reflects the couple's values.
Some dioceses in the United States require just six months of preparation before marriage, which may include receiving the sacrament of Confirmation. The Vatican has recommended a year-long "marriage catechumenate" to prepare Catholic couples for matrimony, but this cannot simply be a checklist of tasks to complete. It is important for engaged couples to have mentor couples to guide them and continue these relationships beyond the wedding day.
Ultimately, the length of an engagement depends on the couple's individual circumstances and their relationship. While a long engagement can be challenging due to the expectation of chastity, it can also provide an opportunity for growth and virtue. However, a shorter engagement may be preferable for some to maintain a clear head and keep the focus on their priorities.
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A long engagement can lead to emotional lack of chastity
While there is no definitive answer to how long a Catholic engagement should be, some sources recommend a minimum of 18 months to two years of courtship before marriage. This longer courtship period allows couples to build a strong foundation for their future together and can help to ensure a more successful marriage. Rushing into marriage is, in fact, one of the most common reasons for divorce.
However, a long engagement can also present challenges, particularly when it comes to maintaining chastity. One source notes that "chastity is so, so much harder when you are engaged". This is because emotional engagement in relationships is significant in enabling individuals to form deeper connections, build trust, and enhance intimacy. When individuals fail to engage emotionally, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and disconnection. This can create a sense of emotional distance between partners, leading to feelings of neglect, frustration, and resentment, and ultimately a breakdown in communication and a loss of trust.
In the context of a long engagement, where the couple is preparing for marriage and has made a commitment to each other, a lack of emotional engagement can be particularly detrimental. It can lead to feelings of disconnect and frustration, as individuals may feel unable to express their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. This can create barriers to forming a deep and meaningful connection, which is essential for a strong foundation in marriage.
Furthermore, a long engagement can also present challenges to physical chastity. As couples are preparing for marriage and have made a commitment to each other, they may struggle with the waiting period and the desire to be physically intimate. This can lead to feelings of frustration and anticipation, which can impact the emotional dynamic between the couple if not managed consensually and with clear boundaries.
Therefore, it is essential for couples in a long engagement to prioritize emotional engagement and actively work to maintain emotional and physical intimacy within the boundaries of their values. This may involve open and honest communication, addressing any internal or external barriers to emotional engagement, and seeking guidance or mentorship to navigate the challenges of maintaining chastity during a long engagement.
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A short engagement can be less stressful
While some sources suggest that a Catholic engagement should last at least a year, and others recommend courtship of two years or more before marriage, a short engagement can have its benefits.
Firstly, a shorter engagement period can reduce stress levels. With less time to plan, a shorter engagement often leads to a simpler wedding, allowing the couple to focus on what is truly important to them. For instance, one couple who had a short engagement said that they were able to focus on the important things, without stressing about minor details such as the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses.
Secondly, a short engagement can help the couple to maintain a clear head and perspective. With a set date in mind, it is easier to see when dreams will become reality, and this can help to prevent an emotional lack of chastity.
Thirdly, a short engagement can be beneficial in terms of discernment. While it is important, it should not be prolonged unnecessarily. A short engagement can be a time to finish discerning together, rather than spending excessive time planning a wedding.
Finally, a shorter engagement can help to avoid the pitfalls of a long engagement, such as the danger of falling into sin, both physically and mentally. During a long engagement, it is easy to settle into the idea of being married without the actual sacrament, and this can lead to an emotional lack of chastity.
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Frequently asked questions
Traditionally, Catholic engagements are expected to last a full year. However, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, and the duration of an engagement may vary depending on the couple's individual circumstances and preferences. Some couples may prefer a shorter engagement, while others may opt for a longer one to ensure adequate preparation for marriage.
A shorter Catholic engagement can help couples maintain a clear head and focus on what is truly important, rather than getting caught up in stressful wedding planning details. It can also help prevent emotional lack of chastity, which can occur when couples discuss their future together extensively without the sacrament of marriage. Additionally, a shorter engagement can lead to a simpler wedding, as there is less time to plan and save, allowing the couple's priorities to shine through.
While the Catholic Church does not mandate a specific duration for engagement, there is an emphasis on adequate marriage preparation. The Vatican has recommended a year-long "marriage catechumenate" to prepare Catholic couples for the sacrament of matrimony. Additionally, some dioceses in the United States require a minimum of six months of preparation before marriage. Deanna Johnston, the director of family life for the Diocese of Tyler, favours longer marriage preparation but stresses that it should not merely be a checklist of tasks.
